I murdered the dance floor call the cops
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
