I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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