I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
