my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I touched a dick in church today
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
