Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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