I just made out with a guy for $7.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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