Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
