He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
