Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I've blown a few things in my day
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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