i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
