So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
