Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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