I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
