Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
