did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
