That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
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He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"