They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome