So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.