wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off