when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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