Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
