no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
