just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
