I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
