i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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