you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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