I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
