I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
