every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
