dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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