I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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