I cockslap morals
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
