im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
