so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
