I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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