They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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