Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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