Apparently you make a good broom.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
