he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
