I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
