Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
