I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My breasts were aching with rage.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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