i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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