You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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