3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel great
I just peed on a car
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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