I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
