I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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