it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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