Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
