got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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