Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
