fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
