the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
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I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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