just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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