My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
