I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
