Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
