I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
