Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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