Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
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Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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