the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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