You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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