You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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