I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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