Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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