Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
